The UnElegant Businessman

Dear UnElegant Businessman, It may not be the wisest thing to stand in the hallway near the CEOs...

secretaryfiles — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:52:40 -0500

Dear UnElegant Businessman,
It may not be the wisest thing to stand in the hallway near the CEOs office and yack about how you were up all night “chillin’ with da kids” which was why you’re 50 minutes late to his meeting.
Just sayin’
VTY,
The Secretary

Dear #UnElegantBusinessman, I couldn’t help but notice that you are wearing Merrells with your...

secretaryfiles — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 09:24:31 -0500

Dear #UnElegantBusinessman,
I couldn’t help but notice that you are wearing Merrells with your suit today. Seriously? You might as well be wearing Uggs. ‘Nuf said.
VTY,
The Secretary

Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Private things, like, for instance, the details of your child’s...

secretaryfiles — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:11:37 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
Private things, like, for instance, the details of your child’s bris, should only take place at home or behind CLOSED office doors.
Very Truly Disgusted,
The Secretary

Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Kindly refrain from performing spin-rolls every time I pass you in the...

secretaryfiles — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:04:50 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
Kindly refrain from performing spin-rolls every time I pass you in the hallway, this is not a lacrosse field.
Regards,
The Secretary

Weekend Plans

secretaryfiles — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 16:29:17 -0400

UnElegantBusinessman: So, whatcha up to this weekend?

The Secretary: Going horseback riding.

UnElegantBusinessman: Like Lady Godiva?

The Secretary: (death-glare) No. Not like Lady Godiva.

Conversation Topics

secretaryfiles — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:57:25 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
You are truly on a role this month with inappropriate conversations in the office. I wasn’t sure at first, but I’ve had a long think on the subject, and have concluded, without a doubt, that the consistency of your child’s bowel movements should not be a topic of conversation at this prestigious investment bank.
Very Truly Yours,
The Secretary

Exercise

secretaryfiles — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 09:56:00 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Did you just ask how long a marathon is?

Sincerely,

The Secretary

Color

secretaryfiles — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 09:27:34 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Black suits are for funerals.

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

Interview about The UnElegant Businessman

secretaryfiles — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:23:00 -0400

Interview about The UnElegant Businessman

"Dating" Websites

secretaryfiles — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:08:24 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

I’m a bit unsure of how to address this one. I understand that you don’t want those special “dating” website memberships (I’ve counted three so far) to be emailed to your home address (where your family is). However I must protest against using your work email address either. Please do what everyone else does and make a free email address for those prostitutes, I mean, “ladies” to contact. And, please, by all means, do not allow them take any more photos of your “dates.”

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

P.S. Now would be a good time to discuss my compensation.

Good Morning to you too...

secretaryfiles — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 09:25:03 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

You know what I really do like about you? When you holler at me from the other end of the hall as soon as I walk in, waving your hand in the air, “HELLOOOOOO, Secretary” and bits of chocolate muffin fly out of your mouth. Because, you know, who actually cares about chewing? Or spitting food all over the office?

Good morning,

The Secretary

Telephone

secretaryfiles — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 10:49:53 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

You talk to your friends on the phone more than a fifteen year old girl. I just want to make sure that you know this is the office where work is supposed to be done and that your office door is open so I can hear you giggling.

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

P.S. And yes, your thighs do look fat in those pinstripes.

Housekeeping

secretaryfiles — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:51:56 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Did you actually just call your wife to explain to her how to vaccuum under the rug? You can’t even tuck in your shirt and I haven’t seen your desk in days because it is covered in workpapers that haven’t been worked on.

Very Truly Yours,

The Secretary

P.S. And if your wife can’t figure out how to clean under a rug, you’ve got worse problems than just me blogging about you.

Boys & Girls

secretaryfiles — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:12:32 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Just because you never “had game” doesn’t mean you should be proud of your kindergarten son “for grabbing at a girl’s panties.” And no, that probably doesn’t mean he has a girlfriend. However it could mean he’s either a Lothario, a pervert, devoid of manners or more likely, an in-training Patrick Bateman. So, please stop staring at my legs and get back to work, no one is interested in your family’s “accomplishments.”

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

Conversation Topics

secretaryfiles — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 10:22:21 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

I can’t say anything else right now, so I’ll just get to the point. Please do NOT announce how dilated your pregnant wife is to the entire office.

Kind Regards,

The too shocked & digusted to explain how wrong that announcement actually is, Secretary

Meeting

secretaryfiles — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 14:29:57 -0400

Dear UnElegant Businessman,
Oh, no, please, sit down and finish stuffing that cupcake into your mouth. It’s your second right? Red velvet with cream filling? I’m sure you’re boss won’t mind at all that you’re late to the meeting you set up with him.
Very Truly Yours,
The Secretary
PS Don’t worry about those calories either, I already saw your wife kissing the tennis pro.

Food Manners

secretaryfiles — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:19:36 -0400

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
It’s great that you decided to order lunch for the team’s monthly meeting. However, it’s a bit rude to hover over the caterers and pick at the food while they are setting up and your team is sitting, waiting patiently, at the conference table.
Very Truly Yours,
The Secretary

Dear UnElegant Businessman, Kudos on switching up your wardrobe post-Labor Day, but don’t you...

secretaryfiles — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 09:51:05 -0400

Dear UnElegant Businessman,
Kudos on switching up your wardrobe post-Labor Day, but don’t you think it’s a tad early for black watch plaid? I mean, it’s going to be 80 degrees today.
VTY,
The Secretary

Banker Boy 1: You goin' to B school?

secretaryfiles — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:50:17 -0400

Banker Boy 1: You goin' to B school?
Banker Boy 2: Probably.
Banker Boy 1: Fer what?
Banker Boy 2: Finance I guess.
Banker Boy 1: Only place you can make good dough.
The Secretary: Only if you're 100% uncreative.
Banker Boy 1 & 2: Huh?

Dear UnElegant BusinessWoman,

secretaryfiles — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 10:53:47 -0400

It’s 10:44am & your sunglasses are still resting on top of your head. I understand it’s casual Friday, but who do you think you are? Snooki?
Very Truly Yours,
The Secretary