Dear UnElegant Businessman, It may not be the wisest thing to stand in the hallway near the CEOs office and yack about how you were up all night “chillin’ with da kids” which was why you’re 50 minutes late to his meeting. Just sayin’ VTY, The Secretary
Dear #UnElegantBusinessman, I couldn’t help but notice that you are wearing Merrells with your suit today. Seriously? You might as well be wearing Uggs. ‘Nuf said. VTY, The Secretary
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Private things, like, for instance, the details of your child’s bris, should only take place at home or behind CLOSED office doors. Very Truly Disgusted, The Secretary
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Kindly refrain from performing spin-rolls every time I pass you in the hallway, this is not a lacrosse field. Regards, The Secretary
UnElegantBusinessman: So, whatcha up to this weekend?
The Secretary: Going horseback riding.
UnElegantBusinessman: Like Lady Godiva?
The Secretary: (death-glare) No. Not like Lady Godiva.
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, You are truly on a role this month with inappropriate conversations in the office. I wasn’t sure at first, but I’ve had a long think on the subject, and have concluded, without a doubt, that the consistency of your child’s bowel movements should not be a topic of conversation at this prestigious investment bank. Very Truly Yours, The Secretary
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Did you just ask how long a marathon is? Sincerely, The Secretary
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Black suits are for funerals. Kind Regards, The Secretary
Interview about The UnElegant Businessman →
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, I’m a bit unsure of how to address this one. I understand that you don’t want those special “dating” website memberships (I’ve counted three so far) to be emailed to your home address (where your family is). However I must protest against using your work email address either. Please do what everyone else does and make a free email address...
Good Morning to you too...
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, You know what I really do like about you? When you holler at me from the other end of the hall as soon as I walk in, waving your hand in the air, “HELLOOOOOO, Secretary” and bits of chocolate muffin fly out of your mouth. Because, you know, who actually cares about chewing? Or spitting food all over the office? Good morning, The Secretary
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, You talk to your friends on the phone more than a fifteen year old girl. I just want to make sure that you know this is the office where work is supposed to be done and that your office door is open so I can hear you giggling. Kind Regards, The Secretary P.S. And yes, your thighs do look fat in those pinstripes.
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Did you actually just call your wife to explain to her how to vaccuum under the rug? You can’t even tuck in your shirt and I haven’t seen your desk in days because it is covered in workpapers that haven’t been worked on. Very Truly Yours, The Secretary P.S. And if your wife can’t figure out how to clean under a rug, you’ve got worse...
Boys & Girls
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, Just because you never “had game” doesn’t mean you should be proud of your kindergarten son “for grabbing at a girl’s panties.” And no, that probably doesn’t mean he has a girlfriend. However it could mean he’s either a Lothario, a pervert, devoid of manners or more likely, an in-training Patrick Bateman. So, please stop...
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, I can’t say anything else right now, so I’ll just get to the point. Please do NOT announce how dilated your pregnant wife is to the entire office. Kind Regards, The too shocked & digusted to explain how wrong that announcement actually is, Secretary
Dear UnElegant Businessman, Oh, no, please, sit down and finish stuffing that cupcake into your mouth. It’s your second right? Red velvet with cream filling? I’m sure you’re boss won’t mind at all that you’re late to the meeting you set up with him. Very Truly Yours, The Secretary PS Don’t worry about those calories either, I already saw your wife kissing...
Dear UnElegantBusinessman, It’s great that you decided to order lunch for the team’s monthly meeting. However, it’s a bit rude to hover over the caterers and pick at the food while they are setting up and your team is sitting, waiting patiently, at the conference table. Very Truly Yours, The Secretary
Dear UnElegant Businessman, Kudos on switching up your wardrobe post-Labor Day, but don’t you think it’s a tad early for black watch plaid? I mean, it’s going to be 80 degrees today. VTY, The Secretary
Banker Boy 1: You goin' to B school?
Banker Boy 2: Probably.
Banker Boy 1: Fer what?
Banker Boy 2: Finance I guess.
Banker Boy 1: Only place you can make good dough.
The Secretary: Only if you're 100% uncreative.
Banker Boy 1 & 2: Huh?
Dear UnElegant BusinessWoman,
It’s 10:44am & your sunglasses are still resting on top of your head. I understand it’s casual Friday, but who do you think you are? Snooki? Very Truly Yours, The Secretary
Who's on first (the business version)
UnElegant Businessman: I don't care about your opinion. I want to know what you think.
Businesswoman: Well, the formatting...
UnElegant Businessman: I don't care about the formatting. I want to know how it's going to look.
Dear UnElegant Businessman, I hate to have to be the one to bring this up, but I think we need a chat. I have to make it known that your *ahem* personal business should be kept separate from office business. I was thinking it might be possible for you to keep some *cough* matters on the down-low. For instance, when that certain blonde, female associate began spending more and more time...
Banker Boy Lesson
Dear Banker Boy, When someone asks you to RSVP to an event, that does not mean to respond with an email written “RSVP.” You actually have to say or write whether you will or will not be attending. “RSVP” is not actually an answer, it’s what I’m requesting of you. I’m sorry Duke did not teach you this basic etiquette. Very Truly Yours, The Secretary
Interview about the UnElegant Businessman →
Dear UnElegant Businessman, I understand that you bought me a bottle of tequila while you were on vacation in Mexico. It was a nice thought, (even though if you paid any real attention to my tips you would have realized I prefer vodka), however it does not make up for you treating me like your own personal emotional punching bag for the past year. So how about we make a deal? You treat me like a...
Banker Boy Lesson
No, Banker Boy, I am not planning on “crushing it” this weekend.
Banker Boy Lesson 8
Do NOT come up to me even though we are brunching at the same location. I barely want to admit that I know you in the office, much less in public restaurant I’ve been frequenting three years before you even heard about it.
Banker Boy Lesson 5
Do not gawk at an Admin as she passes then turn your new “bud” and say, “HOT!” I can hear you!
Banker Boy Lesson 4
Do Not interrupt me while I’m on the phone with my headhunter. I’m trying to make my boss nervous.
Banker Boy Lesson 3
An office is not a frat house. I don’t care how many “beers you slammed last night.”
Banker Boy Lesson 2
Do not wear flip-flops with a suit.
Banker Boy Lesson 1
No, you don’t get an assistant.
Dear UnElegant Businessman, How amazing it is that you offered to take your assistant out to lunch for a real sit down meal at a new restaurant in the midtown area. What a treat. I think the warm weather could be defrosting that heart of your’s. That is, of course, until you pay the bill using a 2-for-1 coupon. There is nothing more tacky than treating your assistant like a bargain ...
Dear UnElegant Businessman, It’s great that you are taking an extra day off after a long weekend. We have a lot of catching up to do, so not having you in the office is a positive . Plus, we’re all hoping the extra time will help get you out of that foul mood you’ve been in. However, we’d all really appreciate it if you stopped calling the office every hour to complain about spending time...
You’re boss was the basis for Gordon Gecco. Seriously? Where do you...
Personal vs. Private
Dear UnElegant Businessman, I understand that raising children is one of the most difficult and consuming jobs ever, it is also one of the most important. And as someone who employs a cleaning service, I get how much easier it is to pay others to help you out with chores. And I know that having a nanny has become more and more common even with stay-at-home moms (everyone needs a bit of time...
Dear Banker Boy, It’s M&A not MNA. Even I know that and I’m...
Dear UnElegant Businessman, I understand that not all men are interested in fashion or trends, nor should they be. However, this does not excuse you from dressing appropriately and not like a clown or this guy. However, like this guy, there seems to be something wrong with your pants. No, not the fact that they are pulled up over your beer gut, but the fact that they are hemmed too short....
Dear UnElegant Businessman, The walls of your office are glass. This is how you can see when I am not at my desk and rush around the floor desperately looking for me. This is also how it is possible for us to see you sneak in at ten o’clock when you had a nine-thirty meeting and then say the meeting wasn’t on your calendar. This is also how I can see you with your finger up your nose....
Accessories (Part V)
Dear UnElegant Businessman, Accessories are an important part of dressing well. And, of course, experimentation with fashion is something to be applauded. However, if you’re in the mood for a special watch, maybe one in a unique, summer color, like white, I can tell you POSITIVELY that this: is NOT the watch you are look for; but white watches on men can work at work. Instead of a rubber,...
Conversation Topics (Part III)
Dear UnElegant Businessman, I’m sure you are proud of your child’s developments. As a parent, it is important to note and encourage positive accomplishments. However, not every one of your co-workers and underlings are your child’s parents. This means we do not need to know or memorize how many times your child has used the training toilet versus…not. So please stop asking us what...
Commuting (Part II)
Dear UnElegant Businessman, It is understandable that you are hungry on your commute home after a hard day of work. And of course we are empathetic to the unsatisfying “heart healthy” meal awaiting you at home. However, that does not mean it is right, healthy, or nice to shove TWO hamburgers into your face before your arrival at home. So please, for your wife who cooks for you, for the...
Dear UnElegant Businessman, There’s a very short time when your son can sit across from you and not blame you for a horrible childhood. These times should be cherished. So when it’s just you and Junior out to brunch after a t-ball game, please please please pay attention to him. Put down your Blackberry and talk to the little person in front of you while he still likes you. (And while...