The UnElegant Businessman

Dear UnElegant Businessman,
It may not be the wisest thing to stand in the hallway near the CEOs office and yack about how you were up all night “chillin’ with da kids” which was why you’re 50 minutes late to his meeting.
Just sayin’
VTY,
The Secretary

Dear #UnElegantBusinessman,
I couldn’t help but notice that you are wearing Merrells with your suit today. Seriously? You might as well be wearing Uggs. ‘Nuf said.
VTY,
The Secretary

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
Private things, like, for instance, the details of your child’s bris, should only take place at home or behind CLOSED office doors.
Very Truly Disgusted,
The Secretary

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
Kindly refrain from performing spin-rolls every time I pass you in the hallway, this is not a lacrosse field.
Regards,
The Secretary

Conversation Topics

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,
You are truly on a role this month with inappropriate conversations in the office. I wasn’t sure at first, but I’ve had a long think on the subject, and have concluded, without a doubt, that the consistency of your child’s bowel movements should not be a topic of conversation at this prestigious investment bank.
Very Truly Yours,
The Secretary

Exercise

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Did you just ask how long a marathon is?

Sincerely,

The Secretary

Color

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Black suits are for funerals.

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

“Dating” Websites

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

I’m a bit unsure of how to address this one. I understand that you don’t want those special “dating” website memberships (I’ve counted three so far) to be emailed to your home address (where your family is). However I must protest against using your work email address either.  Please do what everyone else does and make a free email address for those prostitutes, I mean, “ladies” to contact. And, please, by all means, do not allow them take any more photos of your “dates.”

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

P.S. Now would be a good time to discuss my compensation.

Good Morning to you too…

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

You know what I really do like about you? When you holler at me from the other end of the hall as soon as I walk in, waving your hand in the air, “HELLOOOOOO, Secretary” and bits of chocolate muffin fly out of your mouth. Because, you know, who actually cares about chewing? Or spitting food all over the office? 

Good morning,

The Secretary

Telephone

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

You talk to your friends on the phone more than a fifteen year old girl. I just want to make sure that you know this is the office where work is supposed to be done and that your office door is open so I can hear you giggling.

Kind Regards,

The Secretary

P.S. And yes, your thighs do look fat in those pinstripes.

Housekeeping

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Did you actually just call your wife to explain to her how to vaccuum under the rug? You can’t even tuck in your shirt and I haven’t seen your desk in days because it is covered in workpapers that haven’t been worked on.  

Very Truly Yours,

The Secretary

P.S. And if your wife can’t figure out how to clean under a rug, you’ve got worse problems than just me blogging about you.

Boys & Girls

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

Just because you never “had game” doesn’t mean you should be proud of your kindergarten son “for grabbing at a girl’s panties.” And no, that probably doesn’t mean he has a girlfriend. However it could mean he’s either a Lothario, a pervert, devoid of manners or more likely, an in-training Patrick Bateman. So, please stop staring at my legs and get back to work, no one is interested in your family’s “accomplishments.”

Kind Regards,

The Secretary 

Conversation Topics

Dear UnElegantBusinessman,

I can’t say anything else right now, so I’ll just get to the point. Please do NOT announce how dilated your pregnant wife is to the entire office.

Kind Regards,

The too shocked & digusted to explain how wrong that announcement actually is, Secretary